Notes from a big fat continent
By Angus Watson
for photos click on these words
10/6/11 To San Francisco
Being on holiday might be relaxing. Going on holiday is not.
Virgin upper class lounge. Plus sides are legion - free fry-up, hair cuts etc. Downside is it’s full of wankers.
‘Upper class’ chairs facing away from the window. Plane windows have some of the greatest views in the world. It’s the same in virgin trains’ first class. Half the windows on my London to Edinburgh train last year - a beautiful, fascinating journey - had been metalled over by stylish design.
Stewardess addresses me by name. Groovy.
Bright washed out-light drive from San Francisco airport to downtown felt like a Dirty Harry movie.
Driving in a foreign city is made easier by having raced sailing boats. Racing sailing boats is like racing busses in a field during an earthquake, steering from the back of the bus with all the passengers running around in front of you. So driving in foreign cities is tricky, but not that tricky.
Pedestrians appear to have priority over cars, judging by the aggrieved faces on the several people I nearly ran over.
Carried own bags to room to avoid tipping awkwardness.
Clift hotel, 14th floor, room as big as a badminton court. With bed that would sleep four. Not that I’m suggesting anything, even if we are in the land of the free and home of the brave.
Nicola showered and put on makeup and looked like a million bucks. I stumbled out for supper at 7.30 pm local time, or 3.30am UK time, looking like an ill bear.
Tramps – or ‘bums’ as we must call them here – are much more characterful. In our two block walk to dinner we were accosted by several ranging from the almost charming –“at least you got your hey-elth!” to the frighteningly damaged and incomprehensible. Perhaps that’s why you’re allowed to cross the road whenever.
Nachos starter better than any nachos in the UK ever. Early example of difference in attitude to service. US = how can we make this as tasty as possible? Our nachos had much coriander, chopped spring onion, loads of jalapenos, and ladlefuls of melted cheese and black beans. In UK = “what’s the least possible effort and most profit we can make?”
N’s chicken sandwich. They deep fried everything in it, then deep fried the bread. You could, as N pointed out, wring it out into the tank and run a car on it for many miles.
Our mission to eat more than ever before has faltered early. After sharing a nachos (small) we could hardly dent our mains. I couldn’t even eat all the croutons on the Caesar salad that came with my clam chowder in a sourdough loaf. Nicola had three chips and a bit of chicken from her chicken sandwich.
Endless rootbeer with dinner. Another US triumph. And tap water delivered immediately without us asking. And waiter did not seem to begrudge out presence.
Hotel lobby apparently has original Salvador Dalis, but I’m not interested. Successful surrealists, like most modern artists, are idiots who got lucky. It’s only worth looking at their work if you’re in a sneering mood and I’m not.
Asleep by 9pm (5am UK time). Woken at 6am by what sounded like two naughty Labradors in the plumbing.
The bums – are they inspired by, or did they inspire Eddy Murphy in Trading Places?
When approached by a scary bum pointing at me, shouting something like ‘I’m going to get you!’, I puffed up like a puffer fish. It scared him off.
Walking tour of SF first thing on Saturday morning wasn’t as good without the buzz of people. The ‘Saigon’ street from Indian Jones II was a narrow stinking alley, containing only rotting fruit, a scary man, a child and a dog.
Beatnik haunts were cool, daddio. Alley where Jack Kerouac passed out = overrated. Triest café was excellent though. Like Starbucks in a universe without Starbucks.
Coit tower good. Tip to lift woman. If you said something about the history of the tower, you’d get $1,000 a day. Shouting loudly in Cantonese (?) at the cleaner all the way up, then staying silent all the way down before pointing sullenly at your ‘gratuities jar’ is not so lucrative, is it?
Pier 39 = high calorie gourmand’s dream. If you also like sea lions and views of former prison islands, you’re in heaven. So I was in heaven.
Twin Peaks hill used to be called “Indian girl’s tits” (in Spanish). You can see why.
Nanking restaurant on Kearney street = best Chinese ever.
Lombard Street = steep, with idiots.
Golden Gate = an example which all other bridges should follow.
Nearly 24 hours in San Francisco and only seen one totally screaming bender, which is a disappointment.
12/6 Napa Valley
Expedia has taken money for a hotel in Calistoga, but not made the booking, and the hotel is full. So we’re staying at the only place in Napa Valley with rooms. It’s much more expensive, so we’ll ask Expedia for the difference in cost. Which we’ll easily get, without having to chase up or anything, because the internet has really impressive customer service, right?
Antonella the concierge said the local police turn a blind eye to drink driving late at night over short distances. How can a locally based policy that treats people as adults and accepts that it’s perfectly possible to pilot a car home shitfaced if you’re sensible – which you will be because you’re shitfaced – possibly work?
13/6 Napa Valley
Formal informality in restaurants. All men in shirts and slacks. I wore jacket. Was stared at.
It’s a valley full of vineyards which everyone rents bikes to visit. Both men in cycling rental place claimed ignorance of any vineyard tour routes, and actually were sceptical about the whole notion of there being viniculture in the area. Suspect they’d hijacked the place and had the real staff tied up in the back.
No black people in Napa at all. Hispanics do the unskilled stuff.
Disappointed to see man with same camera as me from the winery in the same restaurant. We clearly fit the same marketing niche.
Helped people with stuck car. It’s good to help people.
Why has nobody been drowned in a mud bath in a Bond film?
Got to page eight of Sunday’s SF chronicle without finding any celeb news and thought “wow”. Got to end, still no celeb news, thought “hooray!”
14/6 Truckee
Russian River canoe trip beautiful. Mostly fast flowing so no effort. Many turtles. Many birds, one of which may have been a golden eagle. Away from traffic all the way. Could have been 10,000 years ago.
Astonishing, the pain of wet swimming short liner on a wet sitting arse after a while. Why do they put them in?
Awesome roads here. Seven lane highway full of cars going fast, to empty two lane zoom-track up to the (snowy!) mountains.
Many adverts for health products on TV.
Several varieties of astonishingly spicy crisps. For the Mexicans?
15/6
Our ‘American Driving Anthems’ CD should be called “shit songs that you’ve heard too many times.” Or “Songs that everyone assumes that everyone else likes.”
Bike hire shop man lied about the mileage from Squaw Valley to Tahoe City. Said it was three there and back when it’s seven each way, but we didn’t mind because we saw chipmunks and a snake.
Pass to Yosemite is shut due to snow. In June, in California. Who knew? We must go the long way round.
Trucker types in caps eating Japanese food.
16/6 Yosemite
Walk to the world’s fifth highest waterfall before five course breakfast at the Ahwahnee Hotel.
Yosemite = impossibly beautiful. Walk to the top of Nevada falls via Vernal Falls and back must be one of the world’s best. While nipped behind a rock to take a pee, I stepped in a large human poo, which detracted somewhat.
Europeans are generally reserved. Where did Americans come from?
17/6 Death Valley
Properly hot.
Staying at Furnace Creek. Not sure where they got the ‘creek’ bit from.
All over Death Valley Lodge are notes about how green it is. We arrive unbooked. 14 cabins are free. All have air con, which is on full ready for possible guests. By full, I mean like a jet engine blasting through an ice cave. The other hotel in Furnace Creek closes in summer because its air con can't handle it. In our bathroom there are two types of soap, one face, one body, plus three little plastic bottles of wash goo. None have been used previously and all with be thrown away after we’ve used them once. The name of the soap, on its (unnecessary) box is ‘Green Nature.’ Saying that you care about the environment is all that’s needed. Once you do that, act however you like.
19/6 Moab
When a shower has ‘high + low’ setting, nobody has ever used ‘low’.
12 hour drive from Death Valley to Moab, via Grand Canyon, scenery is jaw-dropping all the way.
Driving along in N Arizona, wondering how many wild west gunfights happened here. Probably none, I thought. Then I remembered how combative I’ve seen Americans being. The wild west must have been one big gunfight.
Driving into Monument Valley with western theme tunes playing. Very good.
Gift shop at Monument Valley is oh-my-god-really? expensive. I think Red Indians hate Whitey.
Grand Canyon is impressive now I’m 38. Wasn’t when I was 19. Why dat?
West US drivers, more than any I’ve come across before, speed up when you try to overtake.
Gorging on super-cal American food, which I’d looked forward to so much, pales after about a week. Would quite like some broccoli and maybe an apple.
21/6 Estes Park
Difference between a $300 and a $100 dollar hotel room is the smell.
Stanley Hotel is where Steven King got the idea for the Shining. And my golly don’t they let you know it.
Booked a two day horse trek with camping out in the wilderness. Turns out to be a really great day’s riding in mountains, then an overnight in a shit, dirty shed back where we’d started, with a view of the town (and its many comfortable motels and hotels), then, for the ‘second day’s riding’ two hours riding round the stable’s land. So clearly the thing to do after being left at the shed and discussing this, is to walk 20 minutes to the stables and leave a note cancelling the next day’s riding. But that might be embarrassing, so it took us three hours to agree to do it. Ended up walking down in the semi darkness, passed gigantic Texas longhorn cattle that could have kebabbed both of us on one horn and had room to spare. Then, instead of putting a note under the door, we had to explain ourselves to the 20 or so young trek leaders who were having a marshmallow roast in front of the stables. But 20 minutes after that we were checking into a clean, comfortable motel.
Chickening out is often the bravest and best thing to do.
22/6 Fraser
Finally saw some elk. Had been convinced they were a myth.
Taco Bell is the best fast food
23/7 Brian Head
Bryce Canyon, which isn’t a canyon, = amazing. Can see why Indians thought it was made up of petrified people. I reckon they’re right. This whole notion of ‘erosion of limestone with different iron oxide contents’ sounds a bit fanciful.
Right wing radio brilliant. Intelligent people convincingly, eloquently and entertainingly explaining the benefits of fascism with thick lefties phoning up and getting flummoxed.
24/6 Las Vegas
Saw a rattlesnake coiled in a niche right by the busy path in Zion National Park. Told a ranger back at the visitor centre. She replied: “Yes sir, this is a natural environment and it’s normal to find wildlife…etc.” Really hope a child is bitten.
Dual carriageway through mountains N of Las Vegas is like Mario carts. Seems to be a collective agreement to all drive like twats. Usually it’s just me.
Advert for prostitutes, on back of van driving up and down Las Vegas strip.
Bellagio lobby has a small funfair at one end, a couple of escort girls waiting for their men, bewildered families, and some posh English stag-weekend boys talking too loudly. Not often that places turn out to be exactly as you expected.
Bellagio another triumph for environmentalism. Room full of the usual bleating signs about towel washing, plus hectoring notes saying that Las Vegas is in the desert so we must all be careful with water. Outside the window is a shallow nine acre lake. In case that’s not evaporating enough water, every 15 minutes the lake explodes with the biggest fountain display in the world, which flings 50,000 gallons up in a fine spray to dissapear into the bakingly hot Nevada desert air.
Cancelled Joel Robuchon dinner so we could spend all night playing slot machines.
25/6 Home
We’ll be back
