How to Write an Internet Dating Profile

By Angus Watson

Charlotte couldn’t wait to meet her first internet date, Zack, the ‘comfortably well off’ 30 year-old ‘health professional’. His interests included sports cars and vintage champagne, he captained his own football team, and was a young, six foot two George Clooney lookalike to boot.

So she was surprised when a short, tubby forty-something fellow turned up: “Charlotte?” He lisped.

She managed to avoid the lip-targeted kiss. “I’m Zack. Well actually it’s Barry – Zack’s my online ‘handle’. Can I get you a drink?” Charlotte asked for white wine. “Right. That’s about five quid here,” said Zack/Barry, holding out his hand.

The football team was a Fantasy Football team. The ‘sports cars’ were Playstation driving games. He collected champagne corks. ‘Health professional’ was hospital van driver. His profile pictures had indeed been a young George Clooney – “I thought I’d get more interest that way!” He’d chuckled. “And by being economical with the actualité about my height and age!”

Charlotte was too polite to leave, but she quietly vowed to never internet date again.

Meanwhile, Henry the handsome doctor, who would have been perfect for Charlotte, was at home, wondering why his internet profile had garnered no interest. He’d included everything he liked – cinema, theatre, travel, country walks, going out as well as quiet evenings in – and made optimistic assertions like ‘life’s not a dress rehearsal!’ He’d included no photo because he wanted someone who liked him for his character... He looked online again. Still no hits.

With an estimated 7.8 million British people logging onto internet dating sites in 2007 (according to dating site PARSHIP), internet dating has become common and socially acceptable, particularly for over-thirties whose pool of potential partners is becoming ever shallower. So, if you’re looking for true love, rather than ‘divorced and need help with the kids’ or ‘I want babies and you’ll do’, it’s important to create a good profile.

A photo is theoretically optional. However, no matter how shy or unattractive you are, you must include one, or nobody will even look at your profile. Use a smiling, up-to-date shot in which you look only slightly better-looking than you really are, as seething resentment from a mislead date can spoil an evening. Upload supplementary photos to display your character, favourite activities, and, if it’s a good one, your figure. Who cares if Mr Darcy singles you out because you’re got great legs? It’s a start. Men might consider posing with a puppy or a piglet, and should avoid the surprisingly popular ‘taken by themselves topless in the bathroom mirror’ shot.

The narrative is tricky. Most cyber-Romeos and Juliets just write guff that’s true for everyone. For example, about 80 percent say they enjoy curling up on the sofa with a bottle of wine and a DVD as much as a night out. Even more say that they enjoy going on holiday. Most contain banal clichés (“life’s for living!”). To stand out, you need to avoid this.

Keep it short, original and cliché-free. An amusing few lines about bananas beats an essay on your life. Don’t say you’ve got a good sense of humour, prove it in your writing (if you can’t, you haven’t; you’re probably just good at laughing). Keep it upbeat: “I’ve been treated badly in the past...” doesn’t sound like a fun date. Above all, include a conversation starter, perhaps by being enigmatic: “I’ve learnt to never work with animals...”, for example.

You’ll also need to write about who you’re looking for. Again, don’t be obvious. Everyone’s looking for someone kind and ‘comfortable in their own skin’. Much better to be direct and specific. Here’s a real example: “Must be comfortable in smart social situations. If you like nightclubs, grungy pubs or "chilling out" then you're not for me.”

The remainder of your profile will be tick-boxes about your income, age, body type and so on. These can be used by others as search criteria, so it’s worth filling them out. You can exaggerate a little. Everybody understands, for example, that ‘A few extra pounds’ means ‘Really quite fat’.

Above all, enjoy yourself, and don’t be downhearted if that perfect person doesn’t respond – it’s your internet profile they don’t like, not you.

Article printed May 2008 in the Telegraph, all copyright theirs. Photo copyright Angus Watson 2006