Flirting For Dummies - a review

The first is easy. The second can be a minefield of horror. Woman use sexual flirting to achieve friendly flirting’s goals, which can lead to embarrassment and unnecessary restaurant bills. And, like most men, I’m rubbish at sexual flirting. I heard recently that my chief technique – the smouldering pout - makes me look like an angry duck.

So thank Heavens, perhaps, for Flirting For Dummies, out this month. Could its advice convert me into a charming pulling machine?

First up

Two things are clear immediately. One, Flirting For Dummies concerns sexual flirting. The cover – guy and girl lying on the carpet, arms touching, feet up on the sofa - is a giveaway.

Two, whereas other For Dummies books – Photoshop for Dummies, HTML for Dummies – concentrate massive subjects into small books, Flirting for Dummies does the opposite. It spreads a small subject thinly over a inappropriately massive book. Elizabeth Clark, the author, knows this, and spends the intro apologising: “you don’t have to read the whole book”, “you can dip in and out” etc.

So I took her advice, and picked some chapters to test drive.

Flirting with Friends, Dates, and colleagues

“Are you alright?” Asked my friend Kirsten.

“Why?”

“You’re awfully close. And you keep copying everything I do. And what’s that overpowering whiff? And please can you take your hand off my knee?”

I told her I was just following orders. You’re meant to try a new aftershave, get close to your target, touch them, and ‘mirror’ their actions: hold your drink in the same way as them, if they put a hand on their chin, you copy (on your own chin), etc.

“Well stop it,” she said “it’s creepy”.

As Clark explains, sexual flirting is difficult with established friends. So I tried flirting with colleagues. I work at home, so the nearest thing I have to colleagues are the people in my gym class.

The key with flirting at work, says Clark, is to avoid sexual harassment. Using overt sexual gesturing can be inappropriate in an office situation, she keenly observers. So, careful with my gesturing, I follow the book’s advice on the friendliest looking girl in the class. I ‘mirrored’ , I smiled, I paid her attention. I left the touching out, since we were both sweaty.

To my surprise, we ended up having a drink in the gym’s canteen. Turns out she’s married, but never mind; we got on well, I have a new friend, and, for all my cynicism, the book worked.

Making an entrance

Making an Entrance, says Clark, puts you on display. After a strong entrance, you can relax as the honies line up to flirt with you. It’s good for business as well as romance. The main tips are to stand tall, descend stairs well, identify a crowd’s “power spots”, and wear control underwear (men and women).

I had the perfect testing opportunity, a posh drinks party in a garden with steps down to it.

I don’t own control underwear, and decided that broccoli down my boxers was impractical (broccoli gives size and shape), but other than that I followed Clark’s advice. I walked down the stairs slowly, toes pointed, head up – like a film star. The braying herd below seemed not to notice. So I looked to the busiest part of the room – the ‘power spot’ - and smiled. This got some response; a woman looked at me. I held her gaze for four seconds, then looked away. If she’s looking when you look back, says Clark, you’re in.

I looked back. She was looking straight at me. But so were most of her ‘power spot’ friends. They were peering at me confusedly, as if trying work out who I was, and failing. That shook my confidence rather, so I scuttled off to find alcohol.

Making conversation with absolutely everyone

Raising your eyebrows at a stranger, Clark reveals, opens the possibility of a chat, but doesn’t risk any embarrassment if it’s rejected. I wasn’t convinced, but tried it at the Blue Anchor pub in Hammersmith.

Actually, it’s not bad, once you master the “hello, I’m friendly” eyebrow raise, rather than the “hello, I’m wondering what colour pants you’ve got on” version. Quite a few people raised eyebrows back at me in a friendly way.

After eyebrow-raise reciprocation comes the Icebreaker. There are three types. Creative, when you make up something like: “I’m looking for the post office, can you help?”. Then there’s confident: “You’re beautiful, I had to talk to you”. Finally there’s Conventional - “Offer them a handshake and say 'Hi, I'm Susan, pleased to meet you.'”

I tried out ‘Conventional’ a few times in the pub, although I substituted “Susan” with my own name.

It worked! Most people, as Clark mentions, are too polite to rebut you, and I ended up having several good chats. I also discovered that “Hi! I’m testing a book on flirting!” is a handy opening gambit.

Should you buy it?

Flirting For Dummies has the academic rigour of the Daily Star; loads of paragraphs start with “studies show” without saying what these studies are. It’s unoriginal – she unashamedly proposes “Do you come her often?” as a chief opening line. It’s casually racist – “Italians, for example, flirt with everyone”. It’s obvious –you should look at people while they’re talking to you, she explains. Worst of all, it feels padded and rushed, as if Clark’s struggled to fill the huge book quickly; pictures are re-used, it’s repetitive, and the constant case studies are boring and clearly fictitious. However, undeniably, it worked. I met people by following its instructions. Rather like a course in any subject, perhaps, when something seems obvious, you still need to be told to do it to actually give it a go.

Copyright pictures and text Angus Watson 2010